When we are depressed we can lose perspective on many things and sometimes about our lives in general. I recently began a new decade in my life. A few months before this significant transition I began to think about the meaning of it. Where was I in my life? Where was I going? Was I where I wanted to be? Was I where I thought I should be?
Sometimes, when we've had a great difficulty with depression in life, when we've had multiple bouts of prolonged depression or difficult to treat depression, we can become defined by our depression. We might also start to describe ourselves in terms of our symptoms and focus a lot of our energy on trying to get out of the depression box. Often though it's helpful to stop trying to break out of the box, step back, and look at what is the box we call depression and importantly what is the rest of our lives.
The Haiti earthquake is so terrible. It can be hard to not get depressed about it.
When a major disaster strikes almost anywhere in the world, we can now get drawn in almost immediately. The news coverage can be intense, graphic and continuous. It can be painfully compelling to watch. We want to be there for the people who have had their lives disrupted or destroyed.
If it were only that easy! A short, easy to say phrase does not begin to address the burden of being depressed. When we are depressed usually nothing happens quickly or easily. We don’t have the energy to make anything happen. We feel stuck and hopeless.
Perfectionism is defined “rigorous rejection of anything less than perfect” (Encarta Dictionary). The good news about perfectionism is that it often means that we striving to achieve a very high level of performance or accomplishment. We are giving our best. We are going all out. We might feel energized and excited about our efforts. This is a good thing – having goals and striving to perform at a high level usually means that we will achieve more.
Where perfectionism becomes dysfunctional is when our goal or standards get out of whack with reality. It is a problem when what we are attempting becomes unreasonably difficult or when we stay with our standard or goal beyond the point of it being healthy for us. This is the “bad” type of perfectionism that many of us with depression get caught in. It stresses us out and can deplete our energy. We may not even realize we are caught in this troublesome cycle until it gets us down or we may never understand how we arrived at the perfectionism dead-end.
What’s interesting about the bad form of perfectionism is that it can be the double whammy of depression – a cause or a result. It can cause depression because it sets us up for a lot of stress and frustration if we practice it too often. It can also be the result of the distorted thinking that all too often accompanies depression potentially sinking us further into an abyss.
The “ugly” type of perfectionism kicks in when we try to do everything perfectly, efficiently and without flaw. We start of course to fail frequently and then we become continuously self-critical. Nothing we do is exactly right – nothing measures up to our standards. Our inner dialogue turns into a negative commentary on everything we are experiencing. Our self-esteem and our mood are dampened and we are a half a step away from the beginning of a depressive episode.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) offers a good set of tools for dealing with perfectionism. CBT says there are a number of perfectionistic thinking distortions that might be a problem for us. “All or nothing, magnification, emotional reasoning and should statements” can all be forms of perfectionism. From a CBT perspective we need to monitor our thought processes to see if we are engaging in this type of problematic thinking and behavior. If we notice it we can potentially modify our thinking before it gets out of control.
Some other techniques for dealing with perfectionism include:
- Doing a cost / benefit analysis – ask yourself what are the costs
associated with the project or goal that you are trying to do versus the
benefits you will derive from doing it “perfectly”
- Asking someone else what they think about your standard or goal
- Establishing priorities to allow you to judge where you may want to be more or less “perfect”
If we can notice our perfectionistic tendencies we can over time have more of the good kind that energizes us and less of the bad and ugly that can sap our strength and spiral us down.
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